My Train Journey: About Filters, Masks, and the Peace I Found Within

Superhero on Autopilot

Every morning is the same for me. The alarm brutally cuts into the silence, coffee, a quick check of lunchboxes, and that endless inner monologue: "You'll get through this today. You'll be strong, earn money, solve tasks, and most importantly, not fall apart." I'm a superhero in sweatpants who had to learn to be everything – a father, a mother, a provider, and a comforter. For years, I've been running on performance, on autopilot, to make everything work. But then evening comes, the children finally fall asleep, and in the silence of the living room, another part of me speaks up. The part that no longer wants to be just an "efficiency machine." The part that longs for a partner, for a man in front of whom she could lay down the heavy backpack from her shoulders without having to beg for it.

The Marketplace of Perfection vs. a Rare Original

This longing sometimes leads me to the world of online dating, which harshly teaches me that dating today is more like an e-shop. I browse people like in a catalog and feel how today's world tries to turn me into just an item on a shelf. There's pressure everywhere for beauty, perfect photos, and the illusion of a trouble-free life. If I have extra pounds, which for me are proof that I've given life, or scars on my soul, the algorithm pushes me to the sidelines.

But I'm a grown woman now and I know I'm not going to cram myself onto the promotional merchandise shelf just to be liked at first glance.

I am rare, original, beautiful, untamed, full of passion, and have much to offer only to those who are not afraid of depth.

Masks, Masculinity, and Mirrors

On dating apps, I often encounter "broken men" whose own closed-off nature and insecurity are reflected in their forced masculinity. They mask their vulnerability with the pose of "alpha males," but inside they are little boys who are afraid of anything that can't be turned off with a button or that requires authenticity. Their inner emptiness is then reflected in how they view women – often just as a tool for pleasure, as an item that must not complicate their "trouble-free" world. It's a sad game of dominance that essentially masks an inability to stand as an equal before a woman.

At the same time, I realize that it's also a mirror of what I'm projecting towards men. I know that if I act cheap, I can't be surprised that I'm attracting men who only want sex and simplicity.

From a Wounded Girl to a Conscious Woman

I'm increasingly realizing that my worth begins with how I value myself and how I approach men. Even though their roles in society have drastically changed, I deeply value and admire them. I know how important they are in my life. I believe that anyone on a dating app who is serious is going through a tough soul trainer and inner purification.

Sometimes, I still feel the wounded little girl inside me, who was always "second best" to her father, who longs to be seen and needs praise... But today, I am almost healed, because I feel that I no longer need to beg anyone for attention. I can say a clear "no" whenever I feel I have to defend myself or prove my worth, and I wouldn't be able to stand as an equal before a man. It taught me that I don't need to be in a relationship at all costs. Because that cost is my life.
My inspiration comes not only from movies but primarily from my friends in deep, mature, and truthful relationships, who want to grow together, not just survive next to each other.

Sorceress, Seer, and Inner Truth

Furthermore, my feminine variability, which the modern world so readily overlooks, enters into my perception of the dating world. I feel the immense power of cheap gestures and words that I want to hear when I'm in my ovulatory phase. Then, my body and fluctuating hormones subconsciously seek out those power-hungry predators. But then comes my premenstrual Sorceress phase. Masks fall, depth becomes a necessity, and I call for authenticity. In this phase, I often give up on dating apps because I simply cannot bear the superficiality of the online world.
I also know that the Seer phase will come, when this truth and depth will become a permanent part of me. Menopause for me is not an end, but a transition to absolute freedom to be myself, regardless of "promotional item shelves."

My Life is a Train Journey, Not a Shop Window

However, my life is not a still photo on Instagram. It's a train journey. My train chugs through the landscape, sometimes passing through dark tunnels, other times basking in the sun. People get on and off at stations. Some travel only one stop, make a mess in the compartment, and disappear. Others share their snacks with me, but get off at the next junction because my pace is too fast or too slow for them, or my depth too frightening. And then there are those whom I believe will sit in the compartment and say: "Hello, I'll ride with you all the way to the end."
I believe there is a man who will not be frightened by my tears, my extra pounds, or my strength. A man who will understand that my strength is not a threat, but a complement to his own integrity. A man with whom I will find safety and a firm embrace, and hear the simple words: "How was your day? You look beautiful. I'm here for you. I appreciate you."

Peace Begins in My Compartment

Even though social media wants to turn me into mere "mass," my human value lies in the depth of my relationships. The greatest peace, when there's no superhero in briefs sitting in my compartment to embrace me, I must find within myself. I already know that my peace is in my breath, in my steps, and in the courage to pause.
My train continues its journey, and I now know the value of peace for me, for my children, and for those few people who have bought a ticket to the final destination on my train.

If you recognize yourself in my story, perhaps what helps me regain strength when I get lost in the online noise and hormonal carousel will help you too. Remember: You are a rare original. The peace you seek begins with you. And your fellow traveler? He might already be standing at some platform right now, looking out for a train just like yours.

How to Find Your Inner Peace with Calmory

1. Mindful Movement (Walking): Go outside. Just 15 minutes is enough. Feel the rhythm of your steps. Walking clears your head and calms your nervous system more than any app. It's a time when it's just you and your journey.
2. Breathing Exercises: When you feel you can't handle the demanding Sorceress phase, pause. A few deep breaths can instantly switch your body from survival mode to calm mode. Your breath is your anchor.
3. Seeking Depth in Silence: Articles on the Calmory blog will remind you that your feelings are okay and that you are not alone. When you need true calm, play one of the relaxation meditations, music, or nature sounds in the Calmory app. They will help you find stability within yourself, even when no one is sitting in your compartment.
4. Human Embrace: Don't forget the power of real connection. Hug your children, your friends, or simply yourself. Kindness to yourself is the first step to healing.

The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. And believe me, peace can be learned... step by step.